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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Mean and Surley

Beth just wants to sit on the couch. She is not as tightly wound up as she was before. But if you ask her to do anything she protests and acts put upon. I just read something appropriate on Syd's blog. Another blogger wrote that she prays her boundaries are straight and clear with soft edges.

I told Beth that I want peace in my home so please do not make small requests into big incidents by making such a big deal. I am trying to be patient but at the same time I do not want to be her doormat. The honeymoon is over and now instead of being polite to me she tells me that she does not give a shit about cleaning up after herself.

She just watches one movie after another. Her life is watching movies and smoking. This was a girl who played the flute, tennis, acted in plays, played field hockey, sang in the choir, won many art contests, swam like a fish, earned a captains license and worked a part time job at the same time.

I go from feeling very very sorry for her to being angry with her. Maybe this is the best she can do. I have sure seen much worse from her but I wish she would appear to put a little more effort in this. She is in her seventh week clean. That is great but I am concerned with the lack of structure. Anything i suggest including playing with horses is rejected!


  1. I know what you mean! I go back and forth between anger and concern all the time. Wow, rejecting horses is a big deal, what girl doesn't love horses? I hope she can find some motivation soon.

  2. I like the idea of straight, clear edges with soft boundaries. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

  3. Addiction and recovery are so much more than what we see on the surface. We so badly want them to stop using and then go back to the life we knew and remember from before the drugs. I don't believe, I'm so sad to say, that it works like this. I continue to pray for you and I pray for Beth during this challenging and difficult time. 7 weeks clean is absolutely great, but she has to be taking steps in the right direction too, or it is just a matter of time. Hang in there.

  4. Beth must be depressed. I wonder if she's on the right/best meds? Wish I could wave my wand and help her get out of this funk. Doing something physical is a great way to jack up the endorphins. Would she go on a hike/walk with you? Could someone else invite her? How about a gym membership? Don't give up. You're right to be concerned. 7 weeks of being clean is something to be celebrated. Maybe she is still in the process of getting stabilized, brain chemistry-speaking? Hang in there. Peggy

  5. I wish I had an answer for you. You are both in my prayers...

  6. Probably what is emerging is the mental illness - now that she has been clean for seven weeks. The depression and worthlessness that she is feeling is overpowering.
    Is Beth seeing a therapist? Talking, a lot of talking right now would be good for her. The idea is to try to change the thought patterns - addiction, depression, self-loathing. The meds are covering up the symptoms but sometimes they have the effect that you are seeing with Beth - this lack of emotion, other than anger, and the inability to find any motivation. The anger seems to be the knee-jerk emotion that flares up when all else is out of reach.
    I know that it is hard to hold onto the compassion that you need to deal with Beth when she is so surely. I always think of how it must feel to be my daughter when she is symptomatic. She hates herself but can't do anything about it. It is frustrating for all parties concerned.
    My daughter was like Beth - athletic, musical and motivated. We know that it is PART of who they are. But, I realize that when I hold it up as an example, my daughter feels even worse. She insists that she is not that person any longer. So, we as the family morn the loss of a special member and have to accept the new version. I read a book called Ambiguous Loss that talked about this phenomena. The person is there but not. Like the parent with Alzheimer's or the addicted spouse or a family member struck by mental illness. The people are still in our lives, but they are altered, changed in a way that is hard to accept. We morn the loss of them, yet continue to have to deal with this new version. It is very sad, but probably good to address the loss you feel.
    I recently read the book by Robert Whitaker (Anatomy of an Epidemic) that debunks the idea of altered brain chemistry. He, in fact, shows research that indicates that it is the psych drugs that alter the brain chemistry. It is definitely worth reading.
    Without drugs to numb the awful pain that my daughter sometimes feels, I don't think that she would have made it. Whitaker doesn't suggest throwing them all out. Rather, he doesn't believe in the long-term administering of psych meds.
    I hope things improve. And, I know that they will. This is cyclical. She will come out of it. Slowly. But, she will.
    xx kris

  7. I recently read a book (I forget which one) but it said in reference to the "alcoholic" that they are doing the best they can - that as a rule everyone does the best they can. I'm thinking maybe she is watching tv and smoking as an escape from thinking about doing drugs? And an escape from what Kristin above wrote, "the depression and worthlessness."?
    At the same time, you deserve respect - especially in your own home - so in my opinion (for what it's worth!) I'd be concerned, but try not to be angry, of the smoking/tv watching (as "Dad" writes what is vs what ought to be), but put my foot down at her disrespecting you.
    Oh how I wish I could give you a big hug in person - you soooo deserve one! To your credit, you've been an outstanding mom!
    God bless.

  8. I am so sorry that she has devolved into someone who seems to have so little interest in living life. She is missing out on so much. The pain you feel must be suffocating at times. I don't know about the not taking psych meds for the rest of one's life if you are bipolar, depressed or schizophrenic, etc. We live in a fallen world and messed up brain's go along with the rest of it, just like diabetes, heart disease, cystic fibrosis, etc. If we take drugs when other parts of our bodies don't work well, why wouldn't we do the same for chemical imbalances in the brain? Doesn't make sense to me.

  9. It sounds as if she is down and possibly depressed. It might also be that there is nothing that she can see to look forward to. In recovery, it's good to know that there is a spiritual solution that brings me peace when my mind is restless.