Beth was using again. She called me at work last Tuesday to tell me. That was less than two weeks since my mother's death. She arranged to start taking suboxone again. The Dr. wanted her hospitalized to detox prior to the suboxone as she did not think that Beth could hold out the necessary 48 hours prior to suboxone induction without using heroine.
There is no detox within 100 miles of us. She would not go to Florida and decided to ride it out on her own. I offered to sit with her or bring her to my house. She stayed with a friend in town close to a drug area. She threw up, she ached all over, she looked horrible but she stuck it out. She says that she was clean for 9 months but started to use again to cope with the sleeplessness and anxiety that she experienced surrounding her grandmothers death. The last time she went on a major bender and we though she was dead was right after my father in law died.
Her neck and hands were full of needle marks. It made me feel all nautious and shaky. This reminds me of a story I heard long ago. A friend told me that her sister was married to a recovering cocaine addict. He had not used in years but when their baby got sick and almost died he dissappeared on a cocaine bender. They can not handle the stress and that means that we can predict that when we are at our lowest they will also be in crisis.
I knew she was not handling it well. She was very tearful. She could not sleep. She worried about her grandmother being in pain. I told her that I needed her to be ok so that I could go and take care of my mom. Beth said she was ok but she was not. It seems as though she started to settle down after the death. That is when she finally quit worrying about it and accepted it.
On Being Afraid
1 month ago