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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Death Leads to Relapse

Beth was using again. She called me at work last Tuesday to tell me. That was less than two weeks since my mother's death. She arranged to start taking suboxone again. The Dr. wanted her hospitalized to detox prior to the suboxone as she did not think that Beth could hold out the necessary 48 hours prior to suboxone induction without using heroine.

There is no detox within 100 miles of us. She would not go to Florida and decided to ride it out on her own. I offered to sit with her or bring her to my house. She stayed with a friend  in town close to a drug area.  She threw up, she ached all over, she looked horrible but she stuck it out. She says that she was clean for 9 months but started to use again to cope with the sleeplessness and anxiety that she experienced surrounding her grandmothers death. The last time she went on a major bender and we though she was dead was right after my father in law died.

Her neck and hands were full of needle marks. It made me feel all nautious and shaky. This reminds me of a story I heard long ago. A friend told me that her sister was married to a recovering cocaine addict. He had not used in years but when their baby got sick and almost died he dissappeared on a cocaine bender. They can not handle the stress and that means that we can predict that when we are at our lowest they will also be in crisis.

 I knew she was not handling it well. She was very tearful. She could not sleep. She worried about her grandmother being in pain. I told her that I needed her to be ok so that I could go and take care of my mom. Beth said she was ok but she was not. It seems as though she started to settle down after the death. That is when she finally quit worrying about it and accepted it.


  1. The positive side is that she reached out for help instead of continued using! That is such a relief to hear. It seems that Beth has realized that its just not worth it. She's had 9 months to prove she can stay clean and even if that 9 months is starting over again, she's on the right track. What is she going to do to stay there? Its painful to watch our children suffer through this. I'm sorry you had to have those horrible feelings again, seeing the needle marks, etc. I know that feeling and its horrible. Sending hope and prayers to your family.

  2. Anna - I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It's good there was no unfinished business, although I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier. I've always felt that death is a part of life and is a welcome respite for many who are suffering, like my mother.

    Also, saddened to hear that you had to go through a relapse with Beth. As I was reading your last few entries, the phrase "Detachment with Love" was going through my head. Being able to change the way we think about painful experiences of those we love can help us achieve that peace. My prayer for you is that soon you'll have that peace! It sounds like you're handling things with grace!

  3. Wow, I think that she putting the brakes on without getting arrested or hurt in some awful way, all on her huge. She *chose* to pull herself out of there and get help. To stick out detox on your own is amazing...she must really want to get herself back to where she has been for the past 9 months. Bless her heart.

  4. I lost my mother last year, I know the pain. My mom was such a beautiful person - I miss her as I know you miss your beautiful mother.

    I need to continue reading blogs like yours as it reminds me we are all family; united to get through the difficult struggles life presents us with but supported and understood by those traveling a similar path with us.

    In prayer for your family.

  5. This might not seem like a good post.. but I have to believe that it is, in that Beth was honest and reached out for help, before death. I know it does not ease the pain you feel. But,if only my daughter had done the same thing, we would not be where we are now.

    I have been talking to a young woman, who was an addict, she took methadone for 3 years and is not methadone free for 3 weeks. She is helping me understand how addicts thing. Helping me with detaching, because if her parents had not detached, she would still be using.. anyway.. she said she still has using dreams and thoughts. I asked what to do you do to prevent yourself from going out and getting it. She said, I call someone. Sounds almost too simple. She said too many times she did act on it, but now she knows she has to make a call. And each time the feeling goes away faster.
    So my hope is , Beth learns this, and she might even learn she can call you.. and it will prevent another relapse.
    Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hugs, Kelly

  6. Thinking of you and again, so sorry for the loss of your mother. I know it's a long and difficult journey to lose your mom, in handling the feelings.

    As others have said, although it wasn't a good thing for Beth to relapse, ...her reaching out to make a change is such a good thing. I'll keep you both in my prayers.