Well, the phone rang as I was about to leave work. I saw that it was from Florida so I should not have answered. I did. (Just like offering an alchoholic a drink.) It was Beth. She sounded so bad, so shaky and slurring her words. I had a hard time understanding her and a harder time believing that she was still in rehab.
She wanted to talk to me not her Dad as all he says is thats good keep working on it. I said I would prefer that she talk to him a couple of times and then my resolve weakened and I started to ask her why she was slurring her words. i said that if she wanted me to believe that she was sober she would have to provide drug tests daily and that my insurance would pay for that.
She was hurt. Then she passed the phone to the director. He gave me a shit hard time acting all indignant that I should question their integrity. He said "Do you know the condition that she was in when she came here?" She was in the hospital with her kidneys shutting down." Well, I did not know that and I am not sure that it was true. The last time a Dr. talked to me about her kidneys she had a kidney infection but he said her kidney function was normal. that amazed me.
I told Carlos the director. You released her not even to a half way house but on her own over new years after your recruiter promised me that you would encourage a long term program. You refused to do that so you bear some of the responsibility for her going out to use. I knew and told you that she could not return to normal life in 30 days.
At that point he said that he could put her on the street immediately and that I was not going to boss him around. I said that I had no control over her whatsoever. If she had ever chosen to listen to me or her many many doctors for the last 8 years she would not be in this position.
They are doing outpatient detox with her. She is on suboxone as we speak thus the slurring of words. I checked and this is legal. Soooo she was not lieing about that part.
What a hard bitch I was telling her that her Dad answered like that as there was really nothing to say to her. We can not have a relationship with her until she puts some clean time together. It was true but I felt like a mean nasty bitch.
Then, I drove home. A construction guy stopped me to say that my scarf was hanging out the door of my car. I drotve another 10 miles before realizing that I had on the wrong glasses. I was lost cause I could only see close up with my reading glasses.
What if I am wrong? What if she is really trying now and I treat her like this? I feel like crap. You must be tired of how repetitive this gets and how I alternatively weaken or get nasty regarding Beth.
God help me stay in the moment. It is a miracle that she still lives. Help me to say what I mean but not say it mean.
On Being Afraid
1 month ago