I had a strange sense of freedom today. Nothing new happened with Beth. However, the sun was out, the kids at school were adorable and I could concentrate on my work for most of the day. It is a blessing to enjoy ones work and I always have.
It was also the first day that the shock of seeing a tormented death upu close and my grief for my father-in-law began to lift. I miss him as he was 5 or ten years ago not the way he suffered in the end.
After school, I spent about an hour with my mother in law. What a sweetheart she is! It is because of her that I almost stopped feeling like I did something horribly wrong with Beth when she was a child. My mother-in-law always lived next door. She was the kind of salt of the earth, sweet motherly type that you only read about. She should have been able to save my daughter if I was a horrible mother. I was a very responsible and good mother if not excellent.
Anyhow, Elsie and I spent an hour on facebook. She was delighted. She said it reminded her of when they first got a telephone in her house and she could call her girlfriends. She wrote to her children and grandchildren via facebook. She can not remember how to use it on her own but she sure is quick with understanding the capacities. I typed for her but she composed all the messages. We should have been doing this for years.
The counselor never called my husband back to tell Beth about the death. As it turns out she has some money from welfare that I was holding for her. It will get her through 3 or four more weeks if she stays where she is which is extremely doubtful. I am turning this over to my husband as well.
He is not healthy so I have tried to protect him. We also have not always agreed on what to do. As sexist as it may sound or be, I think that men are more able to comparmentalize when it comes to their children.
He loved her just as much as I do. In fact, they were better friends and companions enjoying sports and sci-fi together. She also did gardening and boating with him. No one in this world but him and maybe you mothers share this bond with me. Well, maybe thats why God made mothers and fathers. I said that to my husband. I said....... as smart as I am, I have just been incapable of protecting myself from her.
Sweet man that he is...... he said "Why on earth should you have to. It is unnatural for a parent to have to act like this.
So, I am finally letting my husband protect me for awhile. He was very appreciative of the time I spent with his mother. He said "Elsie is our baby now."
On Being Afraid
1 month ago