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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Friday, January 8, 2010

We Will Miss Him

My husband's father died yesterday. He was very old and very sick. We thought we were ready but it has still been very sad. He always had our backs. He always did the right thing. We have lost a father, a friend and a great advocate for the entire family.

At about 1:00 am on the night after the day that he died, I got a call from the halfway house. They were expelling Beth because they can't tell weather or not she is using. They found her slurring her words, stagerring around, Her urininalysis tested positive for benzos which it always will on the initial screening.(She has a DR's note about this.)  They took her to the hospital and they said her vital signs were normal. They wanted her out of there by the next morning. They said thay could not keep her if they could not verify her sobriety.

Her side is that she took her psych meds and they made her groggy with cotton mouth. They woke her up to test her and she was disoriented. When she gave the pee test she tripped on the rug and they called that staggering.

I did not tell her about the death. She knew it was imminent. The next halfway house took her in quite happily saying that her meds should have been cut in half after leaving the hospital.  Of course, I lost the money from the first place and had to pay the second one all over again.

I have a lot of doubt about this second big irregularity since leaving treatment.  However, I just did not have the strength to deal with this death and put her out on the street at the same time.

I have suffered so much when she is missing that I am not sure I can do it again under any circumstances. That is not good because if she knows it she is likely to exploit that as a weakness and to the max. She has also been victimized by others on the street so that is a very very last ditch measure which often results in death or injury fast.

I tried to keep this whole thing to myself because I did not want to burden my husband in his grief. In that I failed because I got nearly hysterical trying to make the decision about weather to tell her or not. I wanted to devote myself to my husband and his family today. I did some of that but at least half of my time and energy went to the addict once again.


  1. Anna, I am so sorry for your loss. Its hard to lose a loved one no matter how old they are. My sympathies to you and your husband and family.

    Its no wonder you feel the way you do and don't have strength to deal with Beth. I would have done the same thing if I were you.

    Thinking about you.

  2. Thanks Barbara,

    I feel a little more settled now. It is always better once a decision is made. I get very anxious making a decision.

    The first halfway house lasted for one week and cost 785 dollars. We hope to do better on the second one which is called Royal Recovery Resources.

  3. Anna, have you ever read "The Lost Years?" The mother finally let her daughter go to the streets, and it was painful. She got beat up, etc, you can just imagine. But it finally put the daughter in a place so untenable to her that she started to do the hard work of getting sober.

    I have a son, it was "easier" to let him be homeless. I don't know if I could follow this advice with a girl. This is a tough road, we do the best we can with what we know at the time.

  4. Thanks Lou,

    It may come to that again. I will try to find the book you have mentioned. I never read it.

    Beth has been beat up, raped, lost her car, phone, boyfriend, college scholarship and her health. She has been homeless a few times but always seems to get taken in by some knight in shining armour.

    Thanks for your response

  5. I am sorry to her about your father-in-law. Even though he was sick, it doesn't make it any easier or less painful. My sympathies to you and your family.
    "I have suffered so much when she is missing that I am not sure I can do it again under any circumstances." I appreciate hearing that. Thank you. Having a daughter using drugs takes so much strength, and faith in God, and brings so much confusion. I don't have any answers, but I don't think you "failed" by nearly getting hysterical. You're doing the best you can in the midst of everything!
    God bless.

  6. Take care of yourself. You are living through so much.

  7. Hang in there. I am thinking of you.

  8. I'm so sorry for your loss. Concentrate on your husband's family.

    if nothing else, you do KNOW how resilient addicts are. Lou is right. sometimes the kindest thing you can do for your daughter is help her find her bottom by denying her the family that loves her so much.

    its only when they have lost all THEIR hope that they finally see what they are and want to change.

    a friend of mine who's child was a crack addict got out of jail, asked to come home. they were told, sorry, but no.

    the only place they had to go was a crack house.

    they got and stayed sober anyway. in a crack house.

    when an addict wants to be clean, they know what to do

  9. Thanks you all. I love alanon but my home group has a strict no cross talk rule. I find your input eases some of the pain.

    Wow Dawn, I never imagined anyone could get clean in a crack house. On the other hand, I had an Uncle who was a fall down mean drunk for 20 years. When he started AA and decided to get sober he got a second job in a bar to help pay off his debts.(Doesn't sound like a good place to work.) Anyway, he never drank again. He used to say that he had to face the decision every night anyway so he did it first thing and got it over with.

    Sometimes I think that not all addicts have a choice. Maybe some can conquer it and some can not.

    I also have a girlfriend.......kindest most genteel gal you ever met. She used to do methamphetamines. She had the needle and spoon by her bed. She bought the drugs instead of paying the rent. When she decided to quit she moved out of state with a guy who loved her and never did drugs. He drank a little and worked a lot. He did not even know about her drug use. She had no help from detox to withdraw. She quit cold turkey. She never touched a drug again.

    I also have a cousin who was put out of the house due to alcohol,and mental illness induced erratic behavior from not taking his meds. He killed himself.

    It is very difficult to scare someone who wants to die anyhow.

    It was very difficult for me to decide that she can not live with me. I have stuck with that for more than a year now.

  10. Anna, per your question on my takes some trial and error to find the right meds, and the addict has to co operate. That is always a problem. Today Andrew is on Celexa and Remeron, and he says it works for him.

  11. Anna, I hope that God will give you the strength to get through all of this. I know that this is a really difficult time. Take care of yourself.

  12. Thank you all. I am so glad that you are here.