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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

crashed

   Beth was missing for 6 days. Those six days were right after her third relapse in less than 3 weeks. She knew that after the third time we would not pay for more half way house. However, she did have cash reserves to cover a few more weeks so that was not a crisis.

  She never called or picked up her clothes which was different from her normal pattern. I was afraid that she could have attempted suicide or been killed by the addiction during this time just like happened to her cousin when he learned that his mother had died.

  I was just about to call the county Morgue down in Florida. I did not want to do that as they were bound to have someone of her description if not her so I decided to call the half-way house once more to see if she had returned for her clothes. This would tell me that she was alive but just not answering the phone. I said well thanks for telling me Smitty I was just about to call the Morgue. I am glad she is alive and I do not have to call the morgue to find out. He said....." they just called last night."

That is when I started to crash. Fortunately, work was over for the day. I cried and cried but could not stop.
Just as I entered my house my cell phone registered a call from Florida. I handed it to my husband. He talked briefly to Beth. I could tell that she was asking about the funeral and how her grandmother was handling it all. She told her Dad that she was back at Transfomations. ( The most liberal treatment center I have ever heard of. They let them use computer email and telephones from day 1.) She said she never knew it would be this hard to quit. She cried. Her Dad said. We love you and you are doing the right thing. Please keep us informed.

She said oh by the way, I got hit by a car on the scooter. He said, "How bad were you hurt?" She said just bruises. He said I am glad you are ok. We wish you the best.

Then they hung up! I would have asked for all the details. I would have said why did you go back to that place where you can beat the system. Why did you not go to xyz if you are serious.

But, I do not regret staying off the phone. I could not get up nor go to work the next day. I just cried alot and felt like jello. I am going to let go of this for the next 90 days. I feel my sanity and my health slipping away from me. I  gave my husband a written list of the things that I think he should know. I said I would talk to her if it becomes a deathbed wish. I told him that my sisters would substitute for me if he gets burned out and that I will answer his questions about anything that he thinks I might know that he does not.

I keep praying to  God to help me stay in the present moment and not prject forward or backwards. I called my best friend, my sister and my sponsor. I am back to work today. I have enough strength to complete the day and then go home to crash again.

Powerless!

6 comments:

  1. OMG. hang in there. I don't blame you a bit for letting your husband take it on. there were days i was just so tired of all the drama and shit that went with having an addict kid. times i couldn't even read other blogs LOL

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  2. Hugs.. Al-anon step two.. admitted we were insane. You got to take care of yourself or your wind up with health issues (heart; cancer etc). (hugs)

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  3. Wow...you made many strong, smart decision, even in pain. You are more in charge of you than you even realize! Amen to that. Use the tools around you to manage the situation, whether it is your husband or another family member. Take care of you! Hugs...you are in my prayers.

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  4. I'm glad that she is alive. It sounds as if you need to take a break from all of it and just rest.

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  5. Thank God for our partners!!! It sounds like your husband did a great job! It seems like lots of us are struggling right now with our sick kids. Staying in the moment is a perfect reminder for me...thank you. My prayers are being said for you.

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  6. Oh, Anna, you have to be so strong, and yet you are her mom. What a struggle you have. Your struggle with your daughter is even more intense than mine is, because at least my own daughter isn't a drug or alcohol addict, though I know that she could be in the future if she refuses to follow her treatment plan for bipolar disorder. May God give you wisdom, and strength, and peace when you are falling apart. He has never let me down, even in the darkest of places in the heart. I know despair and that constant crisis feeling and it is not pretty. You can feel so alone in the pain. I am glad you have a wonderful sister. I have three and I know I couldn't have made it through so much without them!

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