My husband got a call from Beth. She was mad that someone had told me she was in detox. She wanted the name of the one who told me. Her Dad said " so you don't want us to know what is going on with you. She said..." No, because Mom will cut me off."
She got up from her sick bed and used the money that I sent for groceries on cocaine.
I have been an absolute wreck thinking about how cutting her off financially and telling her of her grandfather's death at the same time is going to kill her. I could barely concentrate or work today. I cried and cried.
The truth is that she did not care enough to visit her grandfather when she was here in town and he was alive. She said it was too upsetting and he was too negative.
She never had a normal amount of empathy for others and that was before she did drugs.
Still, I dread to see the results of cutting her off though she faced the situation with bravado.
Her Dad said that we will not send more money. He said, I have some numbers here for the salvation army and a charitable rehab. She said she did not need them that the halfway house would work with her.
I am trying to let her Dad handle this now as inspite of his ill health and grief he does not obsess about it like me.
He says that our girl died a long time ago. This is not our girl. This one uses our best instincts against us to keep us supporting her drug habit. I know with absolute certainty that what he says is true. What I am not sure of is weather or not she can help it. She is just sooo bipolar, crazy and addicted that no one can get through to her.
Every time she uses she risks her life in the most sordid of ways. Her habit is around 100 dollars a day. She has supported that habit for over one year. I do not truely know how she is alive.
I wish that I could stop loving her. Surely if she were a man I would not play the victim. Surely I would separate myself from her. I know that anytime she sensed that I fear for her life she uses it to extort money.
Her last use was of crack. I prefer her use of heroine in a strange way. Heroine calms her down where the crack revs her up. It makes her nasty, surley, all powerful and confident.
Dear Husband says it is time to cut our losses and move on. I pray to God that I can do that because right now she is all that I can think of. It is ruining the rest of my life.
On Being Afraid
1 month ago