My husband got a call from Beth. She was mad that someone had told me she was in detox. She wanted the name of the one who told me. Her Dad said " so you don't want us to know what is going on with you. She said..." No, because Mom will cut me off."
She got up from her sick bed and used the money that I sent for groceries on cocaine.
I have been an absolute wreck thinking about how cutting her off financially and telling her of her grandfather's death at the same time is going to kill her. I could barely concentrate or work today. I cried and cried.
The truth is that she did not care enough to visit her grandfather when she was here in town and he was alive. She said it was too upsetting and he was too negative.
She never had a normal amount of empathy for others and that was before she did drugs.
Still, I dread to see the results of cutting her off though she faced the situation with bravado.
Her Dad said that we will not send more money. He said, I have some numbers here for the salvation army and a charitable rehab. She said she did not need them that the halfway house would work with her.
I am trying to let her Dad handle this now as inspite of his ill health and grief he does not obsess about it like me.
He says that our girl died a long time ago. This is not our girl. This one uses our best instincts against us to keep us supporting her drug habit. I know with absolute certainty that what he says is true. What I am not sure of is weather or not she can help it. She is just sooo bipolar, crazy and addicted that no one can get through to her.
Every time she uses she risks her life in the most sordid of ways. Her habit is around 100 dollars a day. She has supported that habit for over one year. I do not truely know how she is alive.
I wish that I could stop loving her. Surely if she were a man I would not play the victim. Surely I would separate myself from her. I know that anytime she sensed that I fear for her life she uses it to extort money.
Her last use was of crack. I prefer her use of heroine in a strange way. Heroine calms her down where the crack revs her up. It makes her nasty, surley, all powerful and confident.
Dear Husband says it is time to cut our losses and move on. I pray to God that I can do that because right now she is all that I can think of. It is ruining the rest of my life.
Part 2 of "When you are So Mad!!!"
2 months ago
Oh Anna, I hear your pain. I spent days and weeks crying and feeling how you feel right now. I hope this does not make you mad, cause I mean it sincerely: Be thankful for your husband. I believe in my mind he is right. Being a single mom, I followed my heart, not my mind, and it got me nowhere but hopelessly loving my son who didn't want help. I love my son more than anything and nothing will ever change that, but the day he got arrested was the best day of my life because it took all of the responsibility off of me and I no longer had to fight to be "strong" (I failed at that more often than not). I am so sorry you have to go through this. No parent should have to endure such pain...but a lot of us do. Your husband's natural reactions (what you wrote here) are exactly what they teach in Al-Anon. I think its the only way to get your life back and HOPEFULLY she will come back to your life whole and healthy.
ReplyDeleteDear Anna,
ReplyDeleteI am a member of Al-Anon and my daughter is my qualifier. I know what it is to have a child who struggles with addiction. My heart goes out to you. I wish you clarity and peace.
There are things you can do when you love an addict that really help. They are not actions that come naturally. They are actions that everyone around you will judge as 'harsh'. Al-Anon is a good source of information. If you don't find a different way to think about all of this, the addiction will take you down too. I've seen one addict surrounded by five family members and friends falling apart. This is typical. The drugs, until you learn differently, will take down as many people as possible. Take care of yourself. Not participating does not mean not loving.
ReplyDeleteMadison said it well. I have been where you are with my daughter, and I have decided recently that she can wreck her life if she wants to, it's hers. But I will draw the line and not let her bring me down too. She cannot have my life and ruin it too. I have to protect myself, because nobody else will do it for me. Drug addicts are the most selfish people on earth. They don't care about anyone but themselves. I love my daughter with all my heart, but I need to stay well for myself and I have torn myself away from the struggles with her.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Thank you for these words of wisdom from people who have done it. It means more to me than 25 shrinks who have never been there to hear it from the Moms.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I have read your blog. I cannot imagine what you are going through, even debating "giving up" on your daughter. You must have such heartache. I can see you are a wise woman who is trying to do the best she can do for herself and everyone. I look forward to getting to know you!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you! I pray you find some peace so you can get through the days.
ReplyDeleteI haven't spoken to my daughter in a couple months and it takes everything I have to get through everyday. The comments above are all true and I have been going to Al-Anon meetings myself to help me.
I do recommend you and your husband stand together as one on whatever decisions are conveyed to Beth.
I will continue to keep you and Beth in my prayers (and Dear Husband of course!).
I think letting your husband handle it is best right now, as you are very vulnerable. I used to be like you, shuffling numb through my days and basically ignoring my family (and other child) and using all my energy for the addict. After 10 years, I was finally exhausted enough to GIVE UP. I have 10 years of sorrow & hell our family will never get back. I'm done. It is my son's life, all I can say is I love you and good luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all of your support and understanding. I will write to each of you.
ReplyDeleteThis is indeed a sad situation. I don't think that there is anything that you can do to change another. I just had to learn to trust God and have faith that those I loved had their own Higher Power.
ReplyDelete