crashed

   Beth was missing for 6 days. Those six days were right after her third relapse in less than 3 weeks. She knew that after the third time we would not pay for more half way house. However, she did have cash reserves to cover a few more weeks so that was not a crisis.

  She never called or picked up her clothes which was different from her normal pattern. I was afraid that she could have attempted suicide or been killed by the addiction during this time just like happened to her cousin when he learned that his mother had died.

  I was just about to call the county Morgue down in Florida. I did not want to do that as they were bound to have someone of her description if not her so I decided to call the half-way house once more to see if she had returned for her clothes. This would tell me that she was alive but just not answering the phone. I said well thanks for telling me Smitty I was just about to call the Morgue. I am glad she is alive and I do not have to call the morgue to find out. He said....." they just called last night."

That is when I started to crash. Fortunately, work was over for the day. I cried and cried but could not stop.
Just as I entered my house my cell phone registered a call from Florida. I handed it to my husband. He talked briefly to Beth. I could tell that she was asking about the funeral and how her grandmother was handling it all. She told her Dad that she was back at Transfomations. ( The most liberal treatment center I have ever heard of. They let them use computer email and telephones from day 1.) She said she never knew it would be this hard to quit. She cried. Her Dad said. We love you and you are doing the right thing. Please keep us informed.

She said oh by the way, I got hit by a car on the scooter. He said, "How bad were you hurt?" She said just bruises. He said I am glad you are ok. We wish you the best.

Then they hung up! I would have asked for all the details. I would have said why did you go back to that place where you can beat the system. Why did you not go to xyz if you are serious.

But, I do not regret staying off the phone. I could not get up nor go to work the next day. I just cried alot and felt like jello. I am going to let go of this for the next 90 days. I feel my sanity and my health slipping away from me. I  gave my husband a written list of the things that I think he should know. I said I would talk to her if it becomes a deathbed wish. I told him that my sisters would substitute for me if he gets burned out and that I will answer his questions about anything that he thinks I might know that he does not.

I keep praying to  God to help me stay in the present moment and not prject forward or backwards. I called my best friend, my sister and my sponsor. I am back to work today. I have enough strength to complete the day and then go home to crash again.

Powerless!